When Not Fighting Is the Real Problem

I recently read an article about "silent divorces." It talked about how, long before an official divorce filing, there are usually warning signs. One of the biggest signs is when couples start treating each other more like roommates than partners. They don’t even fight anymore — not because everything is fine, but because they simply don't care.

There are many reasons people stay in marriages even after the emotional and physical connection is gone. Financial reasons are a big one — it’s often much cheaper to live together than separately. Some stay for the sake of the children, hoping to create a stable environment.

What I kept thinking about, though, was how couples get to that point. How do you get to a place where you don't even want to fight for each other? Where do you stop caring enough to even talk about what’s wrong?

When I was younger, in my teens and twenties, I often heard stories about breakups over silly reasons.  But it didn't seem like a big deal — you didn’t have shared assets, kids, or a life deeply intertwined. Plus, when you’re young, you’re still learning how to navigate intimate relationships. It’s a period of exploration, and it's natural that not every relationship will work out. No one should be blamed for that.

However, when you're in a serious relationship, especially when children and shared responsibilities are involved, I believe it's worth trying to work things out — really trying. I'm not saying every relationship should be saved. It’s braver and healthier to walk away than to stay in a toxic or damaging relationship.

What struck me most about the article was the idea of couples who don’t fight. I actually know a few relationships like that. In two cases, the couples eventually divorced, and I remember being shocked because they never fought. I used to think they were so in sync with each other's feelings and needs that they didn’t need to argue. But clearly, something much deeper was wrong.

It feels like a form of procrastination. There's a problem, but it's uncomfortable to bring it up, so you avoid it. You delay the hard conversations, and the problem grows. You might not want to hurt your partner's feelings, but by staying silent, you're just pushing the pain further down the road — and making it worse.

It reminds me of having a major project at work. You know it’s a hard task, and instead of tackling it head-on, you focus on the easy stuff. As the deadline approaches, you panic. Instead of asking for help early on, you stay silent and eventually blame your boss for unrealistic expectations — even though you didn’t manage the issue when you had the chance.

I’m not saying it’s always your fault when a relationship struggles. But you do have to look at your own role honestly. Are you enabling the problem by staying silent? Are you contributing to the slow breakdown by choosing comfort today over hard work that could save your relationship?

A friend once told me about growing up with parents who stayed in an unhappy marriage "for the kids." They finally divorced when she went to university. She said she wished they had separated earlier. Children notice when their parents are unhappy. We think they don’t, but they do. And sometimes staying together in misery does more harm than good. It teaches children that loveless relationships are normal, and that's a dangerous message to pass down.

At the end of the day, like any problem in life, relationships require communication. You have to be willing to face the hard conversations and put in the work. And if you find that you truly can’t fix it, then you need to figure out the next step. Doing nothing is also a choice — but it’s usually the worst one.

If you’re going through a silent divorce, think about the long-term impact it could have on your children. Roll up your sleeves. Work on the problems you’re facing. Don’t just sit on a sinking ship hoping it will magically float again. It's not fair to the kids — or to yourself. You owe it to everyone involved to either rebuild what you have or find a healthier path forward.